Yesterday, I don't know why but I opened the box that had all your hidden secrets in it. A Pandora's box that I had hidden away, knowing that once I opened it, the emotions, joy, loss would come flooding back to me.The loss of your beautiful self that I had hidden beneath my bed under piles of books and magasines... But, yesterday something awakened inside me and my heart started yearning for the memory to come alive. My frozen heart pleaded with me to allow it the chance to remember the love it had felt. Before, I walked away from you, choosing to live in the memory of a broken marriage instead.
I waited until the house was quiet, heart thumping I opened the box and there laying on top of golden love letters, cinema receipts and cards was the photograph of the you standing next to the tree. I held the photograph and allowed myself to travel back there and remember. We had gone for a walk and stumbled into this beautiful forest. Walking, I pointed out to you the dancing purple flowers...The trees loomed over us, forming a canopy to protect us from the outside world. In this forest it felt that Nature had decided to protect us. I felt safe from harm and with your arms around me, nightmares from a broken past no longer existed.It was then we saw the magical tree. Its huge branches inviting us to stand under it. Towering, wise and magnificent. The magic had captured us and we stood underneath the tree.Slowly, we felt its rough trunk and told each other stories of what the tree had seen. It approved because it allowed the Wind to dance through its branches and lets its leaves fall around us. The wind , the branches, the leaves all moving, swaying and falling for us.You looked so happy and I took a photo of you.
We should have stayed under that tree for ever, under the protection of it branches but we had to head back. Each step I took away from its magic I felt a fear over taking me. Starting from the pit of my stomach and moving up towards to my throat. Happiness, I knew did not last and I had to protect you from my nightmares...
..................................................
I put the photograph back in its box. My heart beating with the emotions that had just moved through me. My heart telling me I was ready to let love into my life now, the nightmares had gone. Commanding me to not feed from the broken remnants of a fa mined past but to feast on the celebration of life.
Ahead of me I saw the leaves dancing again, whispering that Love had found its way home.
Monday 21 June 2010
Thursday 10 June 2010
Thief
The Thief stole into my life by broad daylight. Amongst loud cheers, a rhythmic drum beat and swirls of colour. Each visit would have Mother cooking the most wonderful feasts. Spices, lemon, lamb, oven full with roasting chicken- aromas dancing through the house. Our senses becoming alive with the promise of these flavours.
And in you would boldly walk, entourage behind. I would sit hands clasped in my lap amongst you all. My heart beating wildly at the thought of the fairy tale I would walk into with you. Naively, I thought I had nothing to offer but you had your eye on my youth, my Spirit. You watched it with baited breath, waiting for the moment that you could commit your crime.Dressed in red with gold to weigh me down, I was taken from the sanctuary of Mother's home and placed in yours. The drum beat kept beating, drowning out the voice of my Spirit crying to itself.
Slowly and cleverly you began to steal.
Taking everything that you could, gleefully laughing at your achievements. Pride, Dignity, Self Respect, Sanity...all stripped away;leaving me curled on the floor searching for my Belongings.
Only when you knew that there was nothing left to take you raised your hand in anger and frustration. It was then I looked and saw what you had. I stood up and gathered it all, held my Belongings close to my heart and with Time repaired the damaged done.
I sit high amongst the trees now, feasting on all that is wonderful, magical, beautiful. The drums beats to the celebration of Life and I dance with Dignity, Respect, Happiness and those I love.
I look down sometimes and catch you creeping, searching... a thief without his goods.
A Thief without my Belongings.
And in you would boldly walk, entourage behind. I would sit hands clasped in my lap amongst you all. My heart beating wildly at the thought of the fairy tale I would walk into with you. Naively, I thought I had nothing to offer but you had your eye on my youth, my Spirit. You watched it with baited breath, waiting for the moment that you could commit your crime.Dressed in red with gold to weigh me down, I was taken from the sanctuary of Mother's home and placed in yours. The drum beat kept beating, drowning out the voice of my Spirit crying to itself.
Slowly and cleverly you began to steal.
Taking everything that you could, gleefully laughing at your achievements. Pride, Dignity, Self Respect, Sanity...all stripped away;leaving me curled on the floor searching for my Belongings.
Only when you knew that there was nothing left to take you raised your hand in anger and frustration. It was then I looked and saw what you had. I stood up and gathered it all, held my Belongings close to my heart and with Time repaired the damaged done.
I sit high amongst the trees now, feasting on all that is wonderful, magical, beautiful. The drums beats to the celebration of Life and I dance with Dignity, Respect, Happiness and those I love.
I look down sometimes and catch you creeping, searching... a thief without his goods.
A Thief without my Belongings.
Thursday 3 June 2010
A letter to my sister
I know your world has changed with the arrival of your beautiful baby and within all the congratulations, gifts and celebration it's easy to feel completely lost by it all.
Your baby is very lucky to have you. I watch you with him and you're a natural. I know you don't believe it but you are. I remember when my son was born and how the moment he was in my arms I felt such a fierce protection for him that my heart ached at the thought that any harm should come to him. I see that same ache mirrored in you. I know it's difficult at times. There is a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture and will break even the strongest of men! Yet, there you are night after night barely sleeping ; following a relentless cycle of feeding and nappy changing...
Don't judge yourself and don't care for eyes that judge you too. You are still who were 1 month ago. You are still the same person who remained calm in the most chaotic of situations. You are still the same person who friends turned too for advice, family leaned on for love and support and strangers would comment on the calm and peace that illuminated from you. This is you who are. I have always said how your inner core is a peaceful and calm spirit, beautiful, self reliant and strong.
It is confusing at times when you become a mum for the first time. Because you love this baby so much with every part of you. Perhaps, even for the first time you love something so much that the sheer force of this feeling frightens you. But then your world also becomes chaotic and disordered and it is hard to create a balance. I know this is difficult for you because balance and order are so important to you. Not only that but you have always helped others to have balance and order in their lives too.
Your world will feel more ordered again but the balance may always be uneven due to the intensity of love you feel as a mother.
Even with the sleep deprivation, raging hormones and shift in the way you now view the world, cherish every moment of this. I remember staying up for through the night watching my baby fall asleep. Waiting for his eyelids to grow heavier...just watching...
Watch romcoms, Friends...laugh a little each day. Sleep when you want and if you want to leave your place in a mess, do so. Go out often and introduce your baby to your world. Create a world of laughter, light and knowledge because this is what will be part of the essence of your baby.
You, my baby sister, are an amazing mother. You have a baby that will grow in to a man who will take his place amongst the achievers because it is your essence that shall be in his core.
Welcome to motherhood x
Your baby is very lucky to have you. I watch you with him and you're a natural. I know you don't believe it but you are. I remember when my son was born and how the moment he was in my arms I felt such a fierce protection for him that my heart ached at the thought that any harm should come to him. I see that same ache mirrored in you. I know it's difficult at times. There is a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture and will break even the strongest of men! Yet, there you are night after night barely sleeping ; following a relentless cycle of feeding and nappy changing...
Don't judge yourself and don't care for eyes that judge you too. You are still who were 1 month ago. You are still the same person who remained calm in the most chaotic of situations. You are still the same person who friends turned too for advice, family leaned on for love and support and strangers would comment on the calm and peace that illuminated from you. This is you who are. I have always said how your inner core is a peaceful and calm spirit, beautiful, self reliant and strong.
It is confusing at times when you become a mum for the first time. Because you love this baby so much with every part of you. Perhaps, even for the first time you love something so much that the sheer force of this feeling frightens you. But then your world also becomes chaotic and disordered and it is hard to create a balance. I know this is difficult for you because balance and order are so important to you. Not only that but you have always helped others to have balance and order in their lives too.
Your world will feel more ordered again but the balance may always be uneven due to the intensity of love you feel as a mother.
Even with the sleep deprivation, raging hormones and shift in the way you now view the world, cherish every moment of this. I remember staying up for through the night watching my baby fall asleep. Waiting for his eyelids to grow heavier...just watching...
Watch romcoms, Friends...laugh a little each day. Sleep when you want and if you want to leave your place in a mess, do so. Go out often and introduce your baby to your world. Create a world of laughter, light and knowledge because this is what will be part of the essence of your baby.
You, my baby sister, are an amazing mother. You have a baby that will grow in to a man who will take his place amongst the achievers because it is your essence that shall be in his core.
Welcome to motherhood x
Tuesday 1 June 2010
Flashbacks...
Sometimes completely unexpected, I find myself traveling backwards into my past.
Today, I found myself with a specific memory of being really afraid in the last few days before the marriage ended. My soul screamed at me that I was not safe but I had given up so much to come back to him, to make this work. Yet, I remembered him telling me that I had to wear a headscarf in public and me pleading him with to not make this a condition for the marriage to work. Wearing it, I felt humiliated but I guess that's what the intention was.If only the conditions had stopped there...
A flashback...not a flashforward.
Today, I found myself with a specific memory of being really afraid in the last few days before the marriage ended. My soul screamed at me that I was not safe but I had given up so much to come back to him, to make this work. Yet, I remembered him telling me that I had to wear a headscarf in public and me pleading him with to not make this a condition for the marriage to work. Wearing it, I felt humiliated but I guess that's what the intention was.If only the conditions had stopped there...
A flashback...not a flashforward.
Sunday 30 May 2010
It all begins here...
Carol Ann Duffy wrote 'I give you an onion.It is a moon wrapped in a brown paper bag...'
I taught 'Valentine' to my class the other day and while teaching it, I internally yelled 'my life is like an onion!This is me!'My life is layered and in turn I am layered too. This blog isn't an attempt to indulge in my life but to get to the bottom of those layers. I am the daughter of immigrant parents and lived my life according to the rules of 1970s Pakistan. I married when I was 18 as expected and have two wonderfully, beautiful boys. I should have continued to serve my husband and his parents but I flew away holding my two babies close to me. I flew higher until I looked down and saw that what I was, was not me but a creation of what I should be.
A tarot reader told me recently that I had created a fantasy world which I was living in and it was time to step into reality. She has a point but my fantasy world is so oh so colourful...
Let me take your hand and show you it x
I taught 'Valentine' to my class the other day and while teaching it, I internally yelled 'my life is like an onion!This is me!'My life is layered and in turn I am layered too. This blog isn't an attempt to indulge in my life but to get to the bottom of those layers. I am the daughter of immigrant parents and lived my life according to the rules of 1970s Pakistan. I married when I was 18 as expected and have two wonderfully, beautiful boys. I should have continued to serve my husband and his parents but I flew away holding my two babies close to me. I flew higher until I looked down and saw that what I was, was not me but a creation of what I should be.
A tarot reader told me recently that I had created a fantasy world which I was living in and it was time to step into reality. She has a point but my fantasy world is so oh so colourful...
Let me take your hand and show you it x
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